Raiméis

A friend recently returned from a stay in China and had some interesting advice to give to others travelling there. Of the many points he raised two in particular stood out for me, basically because I have a sick mind, food and ‘food disposal’. To deal with the latter first … generally in China they don’t use our western style toilet with a nice ceramic bowl for you to sit on, instead they have the little hole in the ground which you must hover over in order to deposit your goods, I guess it sort of resembles the cup on a golf green. It takes some getting used to. Regarding the food in China, wonderful it is, but with different bacteria in the food it can lead to stomach problems for many people. On my brief stay in China I had no such problems but I was only in the region for a week (most of the time actually in Hong Kong, eating western food) but many people can react quite badly to the food. Combining these two things, the food leading to stomach problems and the sh1t hole and you have a potential disaster on your hands … or in your pants.
Imagine you have just popped down to the cantine for lunch (in a work scenario here), you had a nice bowl of 只針對軟體, you don’t know what the fuck 只針對軟體 was but 只針對軟體 was damn good! You’re sitting back in your office, happy as larry, when suddenly a tummy rumble disturbs you. The tummy rumble begins to sound and feel more like a volcano, molten liquid running through your bowels, heading for the exit, you head for the exit. You race to the jacks, dash into a cubicle, drop your pants and drop your arse to the floor aiming for the golf cup. Thrusting your body into such a seated position only adds to the immense pressure and the explosion which follows must surely shake the very foundations of the building. But what relief … what joy comes with that release of pressure. However relief quickly turns to horror as you realise that without the funnel shape of western toilets with it’s wide catch-all rim in close proximity to your relief valve you have just splattered half the floor in skitter, not to mention the back of your trousers. Oh the horror! Your mind is racing, you don’t know what to do, and what can you do but pray to Budda that the golf hole will open up and swallow you whole. If ever there’s a time for your prayers to be answered it’s now!
The moral of the story is don’t visit China, or if you do then don’t eat the food, or if you do then immediatly after eating head for the dunny and await the impending volcano.