Raiméis

Isn’t it about time Hollywood made a block buster movie about the Easter Rising? Here’s what I think such a movie might be like…

FADE IN:

THE GPO DUBLIN, EASTER MONDAY 1916
Irish Soldiers of the IRB and ICA in itchy green uniforms take over strategic building in Dublin and at the front of the General Post Office declare Ireland an Independent Republic.

CUE: Music like in Saving Private Ryan which signifies that there’s an epic coming even though it should be a warning that you’ll have to sit through arse numbing drivel for three hours and perhaps you’d be better off waiting for the DVD.

I am class at giving inspirational speeches before I get you all killed but I survive to the end just like I did in a previous totally inaccurate Hollywood flick. To save time just remember that speech then let your mind wander to the gorgeous Catherine O’Hara who had her throat cut by the English while we pause to get a shot of British soldiers moving along the Liffey.

Dem Brits … der comin… [Soldier dies.]

Fighting breaks out all over the city, poorly trained extras in British uniforms point plastic guns at poorly trained extras in Irish uniforms.

Still better than dem cunts the FCÁ flashing their arses all over the Curragh.

In scenes reminiscent of Saving Private Ryan (2nd reference) bits of body parts fly across the screen and blood splashes on the camera, all designed to deflect attention from the weak script. But lots of Brits die so it’s ok.

Fucking cool! .. Can I say Fuck on TV?

Even more fighting breaks out between more groups of extras firing plastic guns, this time in Jacob’s Factory and in the College of Surgeons which was quite an appropriate place when you think about it. More body parts go aflying as more weak script deflection is required. Innocent civilians are killed to make audience angry at British and deflect even MORE attention away from weak script. This is really taking the piss now!

Oh my God, they killed Skeffy!

You Bastards!

Cue: Big ass gun named after ugly Dutch mot called Helga sailing down the Liffey firing all over the shop, generally hitting everything except the GPO but still close enough to worry Generic Irish Soldiers inside.

Tally Ho Paddy wot? You’re going to get it now, eh wot! Spiffing.

Eh fuk hed, no spiffing here. Roight?

We’re done for lads.

I agree, we’re shagged.

I will be widely regarded as one of the most charismatic political leaders in the history of twentieth century Ireland therefore I can’t die yet. So I agree too.

…and my totally inaccurate Hollywood flick was better.

*coughed* Bullshit!

Let’s move from heavily fortified GPO to less fortified house on Moore Street where we can surrender or be killed.

Rebel Leaders move from heavily fortified GPO to less fortified house on Moore Street where they can surrender or be killed. They surrender. Rebel Leaders are given free accommodation in Kilmainham but in a sick twist are then executed. Gibson just couldn’t help himself…

FREEDDOOOMMMMMM!

CUE: The same music like in Saving Private Ryan when everybody’s dead and you’re supposed to feel sad even though you’re just glad it’s all over.

End scene.
Fade to Credits.
Audience leaves pissed off after wasting €7.50 on another Hollywood fuck up of Irish history.