Raiméis

I just joined a web forum for baldies today (just for the hell of it) … yes, I am one of the chosen, someone with ‘male pattern baldness’ … or ‘super dead-fucking-coolness’ as it should be called … and I have discovered via this new forum that all my fellow baldy brethren have the very same gifts I do; superior sex appeal, magnificent strength and stamina, the ability to leap tall buildings with a single bound (though I do need a bit of a run up to it, the aul tummy’s sagging a bit you see), can stop bullets (soft foam or rubber preferably), more powerful than the Luas etc etc.

After reading through some of the threads I began to think how interesting it was the way we like to group together based even on something as simple as having no hair. It’s not like we play the same sport or like the same music … we just have no hair (on our heads I mean, filthy minded fecker). I suppose it’s just a normal part of the human psyche, the need to belong, to be part of a group. It’s why we form tribes, nations, clubs, teams, clubs, cliques, gangs I suppose. Weird how it takes so little though, the slightest thing in common and we’re suddenly chums.

Back to baldness. Some people take it so seriously. I suppose I did for a while too, after all the aul gruaig was receding when I was in my late teens, a time when such a thing would rattle the self esteem of your average self-conscious teenager. At some stage though I began to cut the hair short (what there was at the time), then even shorter and shorter again and following a wee mistake with the razor one evening the whole lot had to come off. And you know, i’ve never looked back. I cut it down to zero every week now and sometimes get the blade out to take off the stubble. I look just like Vin Diesel now … only shorter, rounder, whiter, less muscular and a whole lot uglier but still the resemblance is uncanny!

There’s nothing worse than seeing someone trying to hide their receding hairline, letting it grow that bit longer, spreading it out and patting it down; or the comb over, that’s just the fucking worst! Lads, you have to realise when you try to hide it you just make it look worse. Do yourself a favour, embrace your baldness, just whip the whole lot off. Worse case scenario you’ll look like Right Said Fred, but it’ll grow back you know! Then again, if you look like Stone Steve Cold Austin you can just beat the shit out of anyone who might laugh at you.

Be one of the few, the proud, the brave … the baldies.